my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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