Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
