Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize