Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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