rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
