If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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