Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
