For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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