I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
