I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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