I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
