Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
