he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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