I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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