Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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