my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
