I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
