Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize