Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
