she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
