Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
