if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
