i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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