I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
