you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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