i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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