you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
