Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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