I'm really into asian looking animals
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
