You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
