Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
God I need to hump something, right now.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
