The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
