She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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