My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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