I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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