i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
