Everything about him screamed your future.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
