all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
