Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
