Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
how drunk are you?
Several
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
