i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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