If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
