She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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