So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
