I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
