Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
