My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
