Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
