My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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