her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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