it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
