good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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