In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
