I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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