finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
