I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
