Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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