What a fucking waste of an outfit
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
