i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
