If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
