just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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