This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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