tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he was CRYING into my vagina
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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