I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
