I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Drunk is a universal language darling
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
