I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
