his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
