I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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