guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
