Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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