things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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