so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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