My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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