my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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