Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
