i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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