i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
